we made it to church for the first time in ages. it's been a month of sundays, to be exact. and in that time the graduation/advancement service happened, and i think subconsciously one of the reasons we didn't go was because we were so afraid shea would not handle the change well. he looks just like his father, but his heart is molded like his mama's, and we both cringe against the unknown. his tender little heart has grown to love routine and sameness, and the one sunday a while back his teacher wasn't there, he couldn't even stay in the classroom; how would he handle a new class and possibly new peers and definitely a new teacher?
beautifully, it seems.
easily, and smilingly.
it appears i did not have enough faith in him.
we also came on the last day of an apologetic series, this one on the god of the universe and the theory of intelligent design, on a cosmic and biological level. it takes faith to believe that kind of stuff.
i'm reading eat, pray, love this weekend. haven't seen the movie yet, and i bought the book for .50 at goodwill. it's been hard to stop for dinner and cleaning, and i feel like i want to read her prose forever. and this is with my cynicism built-in already. i guess i'm easy when it comes to a good story and better writing, but even that takes a kind of faith, no?
ms. gilbert writes on the subject of faith, and i found myself nodding, agreeing, appreciating, despite the fact that we know very different Gods:
if we truly knew all the answers in advance as to the meaning of life and the nature of God and the destiny of our souls, our belief would not be a leap of faith and it would not be a courageous act of humanity; it would just be... a prudent insurance policy. i'm not interested in the insurance industry. i'm tired of being a skeptic, i'm irritated by spiritual prudence and i feel bored and parched by empirical debate. i don't want to hear it anymore. i couldn't care less about evidence and proof and assurances. i just want God. i want God inside of me. i want God to play in my bloodstream the way sunlight amuses itself on water.i fully hear this heart-cry, and i weep tears for the breeze that pimples my skin in love, draws my breath in a hallelujah, the same breath that so easily turns to voice raised or fear-speaking. i know the desire to have God so fully present you have to see through him to see me, as i once read on a christian board online.
so today, instead, i continue the counting, numbering and naming my blessings, claiming each little breath of daily divinity, little morsels given til i realize i'm feasting on Him all day long.
131. reminder that he is Lord of heaven and earth, sung in many voices
132. for texas skies, bluer and wider than any i've known before
133. for a week, so much cooler, for chance to be outside enjoyably
134. for my scientific husband who helps me to see the beauty in the rational
135. and for his acknowledging that i help him to see with beauty-faith
136. for shea, unperturbed in sunday school, for a heart that loves to give
137. for connor, who has had many successes this week in obeying and discipline
138. for avery, little one, who makes all the rest of us smile wide and long
139. for friendly chat with online friend
140. for whole saturday morning spent with sister
141. and we bought books at that! so many books for very little money (goodwill has a clearance? who knew?!)
142. for faithful hands of doctors caring for other sister experiencing ongoing contractions, too early
143. for those little twin girls staying put, growing as much as they can
144. for husband to finally get some rest, and a positive word from his job/boss
145. for sunlight that shimmers on water
146. and the faith it takes to see the hand that created it all
147. and his grace, inside of me, alive
joining with ann and others today to count our way towards a thousand blessings.