Wednesday, August 4, 2010

A time as this

i talked to my mama yesterday and i wanted to cry and scream and let violent out after.

she has cut off youngest sister, the one who's held on the longest for all the wrong reasons, but who was always there hurting and dying inside, holding onto her mama because she was afraid if she let go, she'd slip off the edge. and now that mother says she can't handle youngest, that she sees Another Woman, and i want to scream and let go and run to hold sister.

i talk to surrogate-mama, meg, and she tries to soothe and pray comfort into my heart, but i don't know if i can listen.

she reminds me of the story of esther, how since we know the rest of the story, the ending, when the king storms from the room, it makes sense. but it didn't make sense to esther; was he running because she admitted Jewess, or running because of evil planned? and, too, we see the power of a mighty God when mordecai whispers, "for such a time as this," but all esther could have felt was fear, uncertain footing in a palace not hers, the weight of a people crushing her soul.

i wear my sister's weight heavy, but what if for a time like this one my own relationship with my mom is patching while sister's breaks away, for life? for her time to heal, for emotional space to be raw and real?

God knows the rest of the story; i often can't see past teh very words of yesterdays to allow todays and tomorrows to look any different. yet i am not author, and it is not my vision alone. i can't often sift sense out of this mess, and yet this is one piece of the whole tapestry, the one where the ending is the same as it has ever been.

today i'm writing with Ann and others, choosing to walk with Him, for i know no other way.


holy experience


***
there is also change in our family's lives on the horizon. many decisions need to be made, and there is not a lot of time. help us pray for clarity and peace?

8 comments:

Stephanie said...

Praying for you today! For your decisions and everything else, and though I know no details, HE DOES! And He loves you so. I know you get that. It shows that you get that.

I lost a sister to suicide. Again, I know no details, but if you still have a sister to hold...

Well, I wish I could hold mine one more time.

Love,

Stephanie

P.S. I care.

Brownie said...

Blurgity, blur, blurg! I have no words for all of this. I love you, I love the details of your life, and I love being able to pray for you. With a divided family of my own I know how confusing the middle can be. I look forward to listening to more about all of this, friend.

Lisa notes... said...

Praying for you right now...for peace and wisdom and courage. So much. I'm sorry for your struggles with your mom. :-( Keep hanging in there and going to the Father who alone has the answers. I wish I had some for you, but all I can do is beseech Him to give them to you soon...

JoAnn said...

There is no other way, and how is it that we only realize it when we've tried everything else?
You will be held, and carried. I'll be praying for you.

amy said...

loving that view of esther... im thinking of it differently now, feeling the fear...

praying for you, for your sister and your mama

Jodi said...

I'll pray for you, Misty. I share your sorrow - I've been in the same position, and the weight can be crushing. You're doing the right thing by asking for prayer. While circumstances for me haven't changed much, I've been more able to walk through it because of the prayers of the saints. Love you, sister.

Nancy said...

Oh, friend. I can't begin to understand the weight you are carrying. I can pray God gives you grace to see Him at work in and through this. And I thank you for the sweet reminder that the biblical characters were are real, flesh and blood, and they didn't know the end of the story either. Blessings.

deb said...

Misty....
I will pray for peace for you in this.