Thursday, October 27, 2011


it's funny, isn't it, how depression changes your views? depression doesn't actually change your reality, just how you perceive it.
i can see four boys and hear only chaos and messy home and mid-day baths because they played for hours in the dirt, when there was a time i could see wild love and forgive the mess (sometimes) and be thrilled they played so well together, and baths are wonderlands, too.
i can say i have no words and mean it, but really, it's a way of saying i forgot how to speak somehow, and this grounded in lack of self-worth and self-love. forgetting, too, to listen and reach for love around me.
my real-life looks a lot like a jackson pollock painting and then i stare at white blank pages here (oh how i love mumford and sons) and the glare seems to mute me. walking into the sun after being in the dark.... except i think i'm still in the tunnel squinting at the light ahead, willing it to come closer.
i didn't even consider depression for so long because i was doing so well and my medicine was helping so much, and i still don't know if this is the issue (as it were), only that i feel empty and want to be here and sharing life and just don't have enough leftover to give.

i'm trying.