Thursday, October 27, 2011

Squinting

it's funny, isn't it, how depression changes your views? depression doesn't actually change your reality, just how you perceive it.
i can see four boys and hear only chaos and messy home and mid-day baths because they played for hours in the dirt, when there was a time i could see wild love and forgive the mess (sometimes) and be thrilled they played so well together, and baths are wonderlands, too.
i can say i have no words and mean it, but really, it's a way of saying i forgot how to speak somehow, and this grounded in lack of self-worth and self-love. forgetting, too, to listen and reach for love around me.
my real-life looks a lot like a jackson pollock painting and then i stare at white blank pages here (oh how i love mumford and sons) and the glare seems to mute me. walking into the sun after being in the dark.... except i think i'm still in the tunnel squinting at the light ahead, willing it to come closer.
i didn't even consider depression for so long because i was doing so well and my medicine was helping so much, and i still don't know if this is the issue (as it were), only that i feel empty and want to be here and sharing life and just don't have enough leftover to give.

i'm trying.

6 comments:

Amanda @ wandering said...

I have been here many times in my life. Just went back on some meds last week b/c I could feel myself slipping on my depression cycle. For the first time I think I caught it fairly early.
It is not a friend, depression. Praying you have strength and peace and joy soon, and in the mean time, praying you are provided with understanding friends and loved ones nearby.

Sarah said...

Yuck! I was so depressed after my daughter was born, and I had no idea that was what was going on. Praying you find the light in a full and real way, and can step out into it.

Leslie said...

i'm here... praying for you today. for wisdom, for help, for light, for love, for direction. don't wait too long to check with a doc about your meds - sometimes you need a different dose or a different med. you are precious to so many - take care of yourself.

amy said...

oh misty, and trying is wonderful. praying for you.

TK said...

oh honey, my heart just ached when I read this post......I had another black patch last month (the not knowing, the not getting, the not understanding, the fog overcoming me at each & every turn) and am just now back to my writing and finding my feet. All I can do is pray for you & I know that HE is able to meet all your needs........yes ALL of them - take care of yourself especially just now, rest your mind & your body as much as possible & this will in rurn refresh your battle wearied soul, TK xx

TK said...

ps - I LOVE Mumford & Sons - they are the bestest!!! TK xx