Storms

yesterday we had severe thunderstorms and tornado warnings and had a power outage. this is the blog post i wanted to have up yesterday for counting blessings.
also linking with suzannah today
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more grizzly bear than mama bear these last few days (weeks?!) and i tire of grouching all day. there seem a million viable excuses, but i tire of them as well. am i angry? tired? is there a difference in the sight of little boys?

today we have severe storming; our power goes out so we do, too--let someone else prepare our food, fast, and we drive down streets with trees broken and houses splintered. all i could see were people coming home to such damage. my heart wanted to break for lives unknown to me, their stories in books i'll probably never read.

our own street untouched by the wind's rage, though two streets over trees lie on power lines keeping us in dark. not even an upset trash can--this the only evidence today is any different for trash would normally be picked up by now. and inside this house we call it "disaster zone" but no branches gape in my walls...we call those three boys "tornadoes," yet all in one piece and mostly oblivious....me with stormy heart now calmed to see real storm, real damage, wishing to be a peaceful mist in my own home.

grateful for: (283-290)
husband who loves through the grouchy woman invading me; 3 boys who grace me with smiles and gripping hugs; power out-quiet! and respite from tv's noise, also, the invitation to play, be creative in getting along; him home to help and not out driving weathered roads; money enough to buy lunch and getting a break from darkening living room; the One who calms the storm and allows it to rage to calm my internal storm.
prayers for:
those in our neighborhood facing financial and emotional hardship in the days to come; safety for city workers dealing with felled trees and power lines; grace for those continuing without power.

Tuesdays are for perfection

oh, today has been lovely, and such a gift. my husband was supposed to leave today for the rest of the week, but he won't leave til tomorrow, giving us one more day and evening to spend with him, and he allowed me extra and much-needed time to sleep in this morning.
we've also gotten a break from the scorching heat, and so i took the boys to the park for the first time in ages. all three played so beautifully and well together, i was kind of amazed to be honest! i got knitting time in, and while it was hot enough for sweat to bead on my lip, it was so breezy i didn't mind in the least.
warm sun
cool breeze
knitting rhythm
quiet park
boy giggles shared
littlest so happy to join in the play
oldest so willing to share
and middlest all smiles

we truly had a lovely day today, so fitting to join with suzannah today!

An ode to motherhood

multilayered

no one tells you how mothering splays your insides open,
like that frog in 6th grade science, stretched and pinned,
girls ewwing and boys high-fiving.
no one shares how inside you're all knotted up,
wondering when you will be normal again,
when you'll wake up and the dream is a happy one.
sure, they tell you "children are your heart walking around on the outside"
but you didn't think they actually meant it.
and they are.
you can peel back the looking at him as if he's an alien
and underneath you find all your childhood insecurity.
or, you see yourself as you want to be seen,
those mommy comparisons starving you to death.
you see how vulnerable you both are and how strong you both will be
if,
always the conditional
til one day, you hit a stride you never saw coming and
you think to yourself
i love this gig, screeching mike, poor acoustics, tough audience and all

this is a slightly edited repost from my create tab (which i'm now actually working on removing after incorporating them into posts because i don't like the way they're all tucked away in the raw like that!). please join us over at suzannah's!

m&ms

i heard the plinking and dinging
and wondered, but didn't go
heard shuffling and rustling
thought i should check it out
and found
that
little monkey
all blue eyes and
yellow hair
sitting on counter
he found the bag of
secret candy

he cried seeing me spy him

once
i would have been angry
and snapped
and crunched little boy fear
into pinking skin

today
i said, "shhhh.
would you like some candy in a little bowl?
why don't you get down from here
and let's clean up
this little mess,
here, now, don't cry."

and i smiled
over tussled hair,
arms wrapped tight around
little boy

and i know that
i'm loved just like this.

linking up with suzannah today. join us?

Face to face

i told her i was coming to town for a visit. i immediately wondered if i should've kept my mouth shut. after all, even she admitted the silent Before was easier. but she said yes, let's meet for coffee. she wanted to know if i wanted to see her garden. no, that meant home, meant seeing him, and them. the pause in the air said more than i did, and she got hurt, angry. we back pedaled and just agreed coffee, then let's see.
+++
i was late; she sounded irritated. i realized it'd been so long since i'd driven out there i'd misjudged just how long it would take me. she told me she'd go pick up a few items at the wal-mart next door while i drove the remaining twenty minutes. the hallowed, neutral ground of starbucks, not memphis, not home, the industrial in-between.

i got there before she did, and the butterflies i'd been able to keep at bay til that point flooded my stomach. the coffee i sipped turned heavy and tasteless in my throat.

so many years since i'd seen her- a marriage and three births all taking their toll on me' would i recognize her?
i did. noticed how long her hair'd gotten, the limp she had because of the foot trouble she's mentioned on the phone, but the same dark eyes. she looked more like granny than the mama i remembered, her skin looser and softer and powdery, and it seems ten years instead of five. she thinks i look like bet. touches my wedding ring, the engagement story she doesn't know being hinted at, sees pictures of my boys on my phone; me, realizing how few of them actually have face shots. her phone has pictures of her dogs, and she laments the fact.

we chat, i twirl my bands nervously; she twists and retwists her diet coke cap.
where to start lies heavy between us, so we plunge.

straight into the murky cold depths and i tell her how i fear sticking my hands behind or under things, that absurd fear of the unknown. she says she can light the way, but perspective is different and casts shadows, taints conversation.

she vehemently reminds she loves her husband, and i know she does an she should, and she asks if he's unwanted, unloved, and i don't know the answer to the question.

the heart doesn't like going under dark things either.

i mention ann's grace-post and how i know the need for forgiveness, even know i have for the first time in my life and how i even feel sorry for all those years lost. she seems to hear.

there is mention of a future and in the moment i know i want that above all else. it's when i've driven away, heavier than the coffee burning in my stomach, that i fear all the long future in front of me, all the hardness trying to come back into my heart and brain, and all the old bitternesses trying to take root again.

it is up to me to soften. to see her as the mother she wishes she could be, the grandmother she's never been, and the friend she may still be someday.
it is up to me to reach into the dark-be a light for Him, extending God-grace to self and her and continue this long road, one phone call, cup of coffee, and trembling hug at a time.

i'm linking up today at suzannah's shoutlaughlove because this is part of my story--journey deeper into grace.

Building for the next generation

my beautiful soul-sister and i cling to each other and this truth: that we choose to be different than our parents, and that we can have victory in Him. it is enough. she and i know the faults buried deep inside that are products of broken parents, and she found a verse as her own new family was forming:
After I looked things over, I stood up and said to the nobles, the officials and the rest of the people, "Don't be afraid of them. Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your brothers, your sons and your daughters, your wives and your homes." (Nehemiah 4:14)

the significance was that we are not defending or rebuilding the past; we are staking a claim on and protecting the future.
i grab his hands at night and wrap his arms around me, resting in his warmth and dormant strength. we face our children, sleeping loudly, sharing our nighttime space, the respite from trucks and cheerios and dora and "no," and we protect them, weaving prayer lines, staking our claim. it is enough.

i am doubling my entry for this week's ShoutLaughLove as well as tuesdays unwrapped!

come play!

philadelphia story, sort of

my sweet and lovely friend suzannah is hosting a new carnival that i just am too excited to participate in. it's called shoutlaughlove and is a place to share the things that inspire us in our life journeys.
i cherish the many faces of love. i love my husband's embrace and his steady hands and his tireless heart. i love my sisters' infinite acceptance. i love my sons' grubby hands that offer simple gifts and the mystery in which they still view the world and inspire me. i also love the phileo that i share with one of my closest friends, and i cannot imagine journeying without her. despite many miles separating us, i feel closer to her now than ever. she knows most of my faults and she has never once turned me away. she knows what makes me tick, and she encourages me when i'm out of sorts, she makes me laugh, and she inspires me with her creativity and her desire to not just order a house and raise girls, but to make a home and shepherd her children's hearts. we share our weight-loss struggles endeavors, our parenting ups and downs, and our faithwalks. i love her and i pray everyone has a friend as precious and necessary in their lives as she is to me.
to read what inspires others, check out suzannah's shoutlaughlove and join the community!