Wednesday, February 15, 2012

how worship is the hardest thing we do

we talked of the commandment, how he tells us how to love him, worship him, return to him the glory that is always his, and that little part of me always chafes at the being told what to do, and i wonder if we aren't just puppets after all.
and then one of the ladies suggests that worship is not for us and i think if it's austere, then there is more room for him to fill, less for my useless attempts at purity and law to clutter the space, and i breathe low. think, that worship is sometimes painful, and it is, i know, because i have sung praises on a tongue that wanted curses, have prayed selfishly because i didn't know how to say i love you and mean it, and because all i really want to worship is my own self, my own strengths, my own time and needs.

and it's only the heart for him. pure form means nothing if a heart is defiled, and he knows the heart, knows my thoughts,
and if knowing me, how can he love me?

this is worship.

Sunday, February 5, 2012


it's been a week, my ring resting on the window sill above the sink. days have been spent washing dishes and laundry, and the ring was put aside for safekeeping and skin protecting. i slipped it back on and bought paper plates this week--my desire for sparkling reminder outweighed my Eco-conciousness.
we hold hands this week often, weighed by heavy thoughts, and talk about jobs and mothers and prayer and fear.
our newly wed love simmered like indian food i taught him to like, piquant and saucy. or like too-long shopping trips just because we could, and spent too much money on too little food. or like our long, meandering drives with nowhere to go and tank full of gas, counting the miles in conversations.
today's love looks like night-times not entangled in sheets but a pint-size baby overtaking a king-size bed and a trip to the grocery becomes my day away, and a cart is loaded while a purse is diminished, but we still drive to talk, fingers grazing over gear shifter and penny trays, little boy conversations trickling over our shoulders.

this has been a long week with heart-wrecking conversations and monumental decisions. i would appreciate any prayers if you think of us.