Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Satisfied to stay

i mentioned in my last post that i'd done some back-reading in journals past, and the words, both mine and borrowed, have been a balm. i've been able to remember where i've come, the darkness that felt at the time to overtake my spirit, and i fought hard against heart and flesh, both. i was in love with an idol and the worship alone broke me into pieces. i could not be content because i was trying to obey two masters. when the altar was taken down, the tears poured out angrily and the hands stayed balled, clutching sheets hard to self, and i wrestled, prayed for a return to the past.

a girlfriend whispered the dangers of "clinging to egypt's bondage" and i wandered soul-lost for many months.


i began meeting with her, and she opened my eyes up to see the truth and to see the good in the breaking. she helped me remember where worship belonged, and she guided me prayerfully-wrapped to seek Him again, fall back in love with Love.
these words were penciled in those years ago, words from a book she'd written and which she was having me read:
contentment is an "inward grace given by God that results in a mindset of being satisfied to stay in your circumstances for as long as God wills." it is truly preferring a single, solitary day in His courts, even as a doorman, than to spend lifetimes in the kingdoms of the idols.
it means rest. resting in His grace, His promise to keep, His will, His pierced hands.
if you had told me (and some did try) that i could move on from that sick, ill-sighted love and that i'd one day believe the God of the universe holds me in his hand, i would not have agreed. i was not willing to stay in His will for me then if it meant heartbreak, waking up every morning with disappointment clenching my breast.

i wake up today a different woman, and only by His doing.
yes, i discovered another love along the way, but i am also learning to let go of self and my own will. it is finally figuring out that to stay in the gates of His will is the perfect place, the still waters that quench a soul thirst, so i rest in Him.

won't you click the button below and join in as we talk about the spiritual grace of rest this month?

holy experience


Nancy said...

still waters that quench soul thirst. beautiful.

Brownie said...

Your comment about the bondage of Egypt reminds me of one of my favorite old songs by Sara Groves (sorry to be long winded, but here is an excerpt):

I've been painting pictures of Egypt, leaving out what it lacked. The future seems so hard and I want to go back, but the places that used to fit me cannot hold the things I've learned and those roads closed off to me while my back was turned.

The past is so tangible, I know it by heart. Familiar things are never easy to discard. I was dying for some freedom, but now I hesitate to go. Caught between the promise and the things I know.

If it comes to quick, I may not appreciate it. Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?

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