If God has called you to be really like Jesus, He will draw you into a life of crucifixion and humility, and put upon you such demands of obedience, that you will not be able to follow other people, or measure yourself by other Christians....but if you absolutely sell yourself to be His love slave, He will wrap you up in a jealous love and bestow upon you many blessings which come only to those who are in the inner circle....Now, when you are so possessed with the living God that you are, in your secret heart, pleased and delighted over this peculiar, personal, private, jealous guardianship and management of the Holy Spirit over your life, you will have found the vestibule of Heaven.
the above is an excerpt i transcribed in my journal years ago, but with no note of who wrote it. i came across it again today, and i'm struck by the resemblance i have with my three year old. he loves to boss and order and manipulate his younger brother, and the futility angers him. so am i towards my own life, like a three year old bossing a two year old in the face of a jealous God. my efforts to control my life give glory to myself, but i'd rather be like Jesus. i want to be pleased that he asks impossible things of me like ruthless trust and the bravery of loving my neighbors when it's easier to love myself than those who've hurt me. this post has had me thinking all week about forgiveness, and as i wrote in the comments section there, i pray that i will be small enough to let him be big enough. i pray that i live my life as if i belong in the inner circle.