Monday, March 14, 2011

Thankful, when i don't want to be

perspective helps. hard to see, perhaps, but aligning nonetheless.
words soar in my brain, and i chafe all over again.
high risk.
i want to scream, "it's not fair!" i want to ball my fists and stamp my foot, and am reminded by a sweet friend that it's unbecoming.
so i'm choosing to give instead.
give up.
give it over.
refuse to carry that tantrum or the grief any longer.
this little boy inside is already Known, all his days are numbered: Your works are wonderful; i know that full well.
i have birthed three already, and when the time comes, naught but He could stay this one inside! i've complained to those who've listened that i can't enjoy this pregnancy anymore because of the new maternal care and the pushing of "extras," of unwanted medical attention that will cost thousands of dollars out of our pocket (insurance kicks in about a month from now), but with perspective comes the majesty of feeling this boy's movements inside of me. of wondering who he will favor, and what his place as fourth in a line of brothers looks like. it is the awe of a creator who loved enough to die so we might live, both in this frail skin fighting diabetes and in eternal worship.

choosing to give thanks with ann and others even when my nature wishes to complain.
258. that we've been blessed with this, 4th boy
259. for my incredible OB in texas who had faith in my body's ability to birth naturally and healthily, and who was unperturbed my my history of gestational diabetes
260. for the peace that provided me in the first half of my pregnancy
261. that i'm still healthy, that most of my glucose readings have still been reasonably normal, even when i've "cheated"
262. for knowing He is in control and knows the outcome
263. for 2 more months til we meet this little man--i've truly enjoyed myself this time and am reluctant for it to end
264. that it will end, and i'll get to meet him soon anyway!
265. for friends willing to pray and listen to me complain after a morning of talking to doctor's offices
266. maybe the blessing-in-disguise of not having a thousand dollars at my disposal to see the maternal-fetal specialist; maybe this way i can continue to enjoy a stress-free gestation
267. for husband who willingly lets me grab his hand to feel every kick at night...still
268. for Sonic ice. no, i'm not kidding.
269. for medicine still working, and mental health still being GOOD
270. for grace, as always

5 comments:

Leslie said...

So the new docs are being more intrusive medically? Praying for God to watch over you and your little one, and keep all safe, no matter what.

Jodi said...

agreeing with Les. Bless you girl

deb colarossi said...

I love your thought process here...

stay strong.

Cora from Hidden Riches said...

I got chill bumps when you made that little statement "I choose to give." So like the Master! But the hardest thing of all, isn't it!!!??? When we haven't been given the price, the total, the sum of all that's being asked of us! Keep on giving. . . and the Great Giver of all will be there to keep on filling!!! I'm just so glad I was here today. I have been so blessed by your strength and faith!

Yolanda said...

Iso agree with this post and I did one just likeitrecently . Hope you have a wonderful week.