Thursday, October 21, 2010

The language of shadows

i tread dawn like that old great ship*, unable to sleep after he goes off to work, too early, not normal for us. i don't even know if i sighed him a kiss. it's still dark when i hear him close the gate just outside my bedroom window. he doesn't want to leave the front door unlocked while we sleep, only i'm just lying here and i feel like i should reach out, tell him, but i lie in the shadow morning, hear the purr of others off to work, see headlights outlining windows, briefly, before they round the drive. connor is in my bed, and i'm in his, and his shallow wheezy breath-snores fill space just like shea's quiet dream puffs, and i'm acutely aware of their breathing in these four walls. they dream, and i toss and turn, the dog's tail wagging against my leg every time i move. i wonder if she's just trying to acknowledge me and i find minor comfort in that thought. i pat her nose and she wiggles up tight and close. old habits force me to push her off. i wonder if this is the morning the heart fog will dissipate, if light will shine through more than just the slits in my blinds? shadows whisper in their own language as furniture outlines emerge, and i think i should pray but can't even get outside my own head. lying here, the ceiling seems low despite being vaulted. clouds turn from grey to pink, and the house isn't so still anymore. i finally eek a prayer, just help me get through today, and i'm up. dawn shakes out her last weary sigh, and she and i start together. just help us get through today.

(*please, please, know this literary reference?!)

linking up with emily and trying to shake my funk and sleepy eyes with imperfect prose.


Brian Miller said... favorite book in the series...esp that scene of transformation as aslan helps tear away the skin...nice write...

Sarah said...

Of course I know the literary reference! Praying that you find your way out of the fog today. I loved reading this, BTW, the description and the ache in your heart.

Leslie said...

I think sometimes those are the most real prayers we ever pray. Do you know the song Breath of Heaven, sung by Amy Grant? I love the lyrics, especially the last part:

I have traveled
Many moonless nights
Cold and Weary
With a babe inside
And I wonder
What I've done
Holy Father
You have come
Chosen me now
To carry your son

I am waiting
in a silent prayer
I am frightened
by the load i bear
In a world as cold as stone
Must I walk this path alone
Be with me now
Be with me now

Breath of Heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of Heaven

Breath of Heaven
Lighten my darkness
Pour over me, your holiness
For your holy Breath of Heaven

Do you wonder
As you watch my face
If a wiser one, should of had my place
But I offer-all I am
For the mercy-of your plan
Help me be strong
Help me be
Help me

Jodi said...

Thanks for all you give even in the fog.

emily wierenga said...

misty... how honestly you seek. how much you mean to us. and to your family. such love in your words, despite the fog... and i see the cross, and you clinging, and me praying with you, bowed low, and him picking us up, for he will. he will. believing with you, poet-sister.

loved this esp.: shea's quiet dream puffs. :)

deb said...

so incredible.
I wish I could wish you out of your fog.
I know this feeling.

having hope with you

Nancy said...

Dawn Treader--yeah! And, yes, just help me get through the day may be some of the most honest, authentic prayer there is. Since Leslie already referenced an Amy Grant song, I'll toss in her Better Than a Hallelujah song as well. Sometimes the honest, heartfelt "Lord, just help me get through the day" truly is better than a hallelujah--recognizing our utter dependence on Him. Which, after all, is the gospel. Blessings, dear one.

Stephanie said...

I'm praying that God Almighty will send that Breath of Heaven to puff away your fog, just like that. Sometimes, Misty, the only prayer I could pray was, "Jesus! Oh, Jesus!" And somehow, He knew the rest.

Hauntingly beautiful, soooo well-written.

Standing with you in prayer; we pray when you can't. That's what friends are for.

Love, thought, prayers, hugs. Bless you, dear friend.

Natalie said...

Thank you for commenting on my post, And yes, how similar they were! I pray the fog has lifted for you. He hears even those eeked out prayers!

alittlebitograce said...

my husband has taken to leaving early for work and i too lie there waiting for the fog to rescind and for my limbs to be able to move again.

yes, i think that your brief prayer is deeply powerful. perhaps it's when we get to these spots of relying on God's power for everything that we give him the most glory. my personal prayer has become " Lord, have mercy!"

dawn treader?