Monday, November 8, 2010

Jacob's limp

this space has been quieter than usual, even for me. i've never subscribed to so many posts per week or month; i've just tried to write for me, when i need or want it. writing here has felt a little vulnerable lately, and i think somewhere in the depression and fear, i simply froze. i've felt the effects, that desire to pull away from (not in just the virtual world, but the real one), withdraw, stop speaking. then, too, the struggle to maintain mama in a world of word-writing, and one feels frivolous on days of frozen pizzas, laundry piled high, and too many cartoons just to survive the day. how can i pit words of being broken in this broken place against the living broken in a broken place?
so these have been my struggles: the fear i said too much and the knowing i'm not speaking all that is in my heart.
and yet
through flood of tears, and simply-asked question to my earthly love last night, i think i've found my voice again. i asked, "is it possible to love myself?" he cried shining tears with me at the braveness in asking if it's okay and if so how, and he gently held and talked with a Voice bigger than his own, and i think the time stood still in prayer for us. big question, little self. and ruefully i admit i think it's time to see my counselor again.
i also stumbled upon my former pastor's blog (he's now a missionary to hungary), and this is his tagline: The wrestling angel gifted Jacob with a limp as a permanent reminder of his encounter with God. Jacob's life-long policy was to run. His final glory was that he learned to lean (Hebrews 11:21). A wound is a good thing if it is accepted as a stewardship from God, appropriated as a channel of God's strength and consecrated to God's purpose. Where dependence is the objective, weakness is the advantage.
i wrote of choosing life, and in so doing i think i need to make peace with this limp, this weakness in me--a reminder that i am His--His! that He has touched, seen, held, and loved me not despite, not through it all; He has loved me Everlasting.
so i am limping, and choosing to see the advantage: to give this back to Him, all my depression, fear, worry, self-hatred....i choose to lean.



linking this post up with emily at imperfect prose this week.

15 comments:

Leslie said...

You are beautiful. You write truth and beauty. I'm glad you're here, friend.

Wandering On Purpose said...

The tagline from your pastor is powerful. Powerful.

Nancy said...

So glad you're continuing to wrestle for your blessing. May your counselor be God's gift to you in the struggle. Limping along with you, friend.

Sarah said...

You are lovely and your words inspire. I've been pondering Jacob's limp for months and this brings new insight. Thank you.

Jodi said...

Hugs to you, Misty. You are amazingly strong, and more of a humble witness to God's grace than you might think. You are not, and never could be, frivolous.

alittlebitograce said...

i'm praying for you in this dark space. your words are beautiful and helpful for me, as i'm often lost in the same spaces. thank you for your honesty in this journey. *hugs*

emily wierenga said...

oh misty... i love this quote you shared, and i love that you wrote again, and that you've been vulnerable and that you are finding peace with yourself. yes, as your pastor says, we can only be dependent on God when we're forced to lean. how he's using you these days, misty... your posts have never been more poignant, more beautiful. thank you. (i think you should link this one to imperfect prose this week :)) xo

Brian Miller said...

powerful stuff...i esp like the words of your pastor and then how you see it as well...a wound as a steward...hmmm....

amy in peru said...

"spoke with a Voice bigger than his own..."

those are the words we need.

I do love that pastor painted picture... so true.

keep on, friend. for you. for us.

:)

deb said...

It is an honour to "hear" you.
I hope you know that.

emily wierenga said...

i'm so glad you linked... xoxo

Loni said...

Ohhhh . . . so beautiful, and I understand. A verse I've just claimed is Jude 1:1 ~ we are called, loved & KEPT by Jesus!

This is my first time joining Imperfect Prose and you. Thankful I did! :)

Southern Gal said...

My heart aches for you. Yet I know the Father's love is perfect. For your husband to be His Voice is a beautiful thing. Love to you.

Mama Abby said...

dear Misty,

thanks for "the struggle to maintain mama in a world of word-writing, and one feels frivolous on days of frozen pizzas, laundry piled high, and too many cartoons just to survive the day. how can i pit words of being broken in this broken place against the living broken in a broken place?" this is me to a "t", it's you too? I thought I was the only one;) all of it so good!

thank you for your gracious comment on "when butterflies dance"...

also, where? in hungary? my husband and I (and kids!) are preparing to move overseas to work with high school students in hungary (we lived there for a year before)...we'll live in Budapest to start--let me know if you can

keLi said...

this is so good, Misty. so hard, but good. oh, how i know this limp.