Sunday, September 5, 2010

As large as alone

tonight i write not saddest lines (there'll be a time for that, i suppose), but i do write discouraged. i love the Groom, and i love his collective Bride, so how the disjointedness, the square-peg-round-hole syndrome, the loneliness? but after long words hashed out, i wonder if it's even the Church's fault i'm lonely? i don't know. we were lost tonight, he and i. he carried little one in arms as a buffer and i chased older ones as desperate measure to seem busy, belonging. we were strangers in a stranger's house, and we should have been welcomed with hearts and arms and spiritual bloodlines. how the disparity?
tonight i write thanks-giving lines, for where else but in the "as small as a world
as large as alone"
can i choose to see His hands? need to see His hands? so i count.

148. for beauty and songs that make me weepy, a quiet worship
(the title of this post and the quote above, from venerable e.e. cummings, and this song is magical)

149. for faith, the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen
150. hoping to find community THIS year
151. for faith that He will give us this request of our hearts, friends
152. for not being totally alone, having sister here
153. and lunch with all those boys together, the realization that we were 4 boys under 6 and all well-behaved!
154. for cooling weather, and time to let little feet run free
156. for shea beginning to understand the question, "what are you thankful for" and seeing his own answers
157. for copycat little brother also hearing and giving thanks
158. for bedroom full of all my loves, even if the majority of people think i'm insane
159. for his love, his grace, his hands over mine, ring-mirrors to remind of the promise
160. for purple nail polish
161. and next tattoo beginning
162. and the little things that just make me smile
163. and mostly, for not being truly alone (even when it feels it sometimes)

holy experience


Kath said...

beautiful thankfulness list. may God keep encouraging you in the imperfect family of Christ. i'm thanking him for you and your loved ones.

Myrtle's Turtles said...

Misty this post saddens me. I know you are thankful for a lot but I wish you could add community to that list. I feel so blessed with the community that God has given me. I want that for everyone! I will pray that you will find community were you are!

Stephanie said...

Ah, Misty. So much I could say here, but it would take too long, and we'd really need to be face to face for a cup of tea and a visit.

I have had to accept, and yes, even embrace alone-ness, even in a house full of people, even in my home. And God has shown me that He is enough, even then. I will say no more.

And I love, love being insane. It's so much fun! :-)

Neither have I found community in my area, and I have had to accept and rejoice and embrace that, too.

But most of all, I rejoice with you at #152! Yes.

You can do this, Misty, this thing called life, even when it's hard. You are loved. You are a daughter of the King. And He will never leave you or forsake you, no matter how you feel right now.

Bless you today, cyber-friend. I am praying.

Stephanie said...

And now I read again #163. WOO-HOO! Yes, you get this.

Bless you.

Wandering On Purpose said...

Loneliness is hard - especially in a place that is designed for community. I love my Sunday school class - great people, great topics of study, but I still don't always feel I fit. I long for another couple or two for Hubby and I to do things with outside of class and maybe a girlfriend or two for me to have coffee with...praying for you as I pray for myself.

Nancy said...

So much I want to say here--afraid it will turn into a blog post instead of a comment. I've known this loneliness/disappointment with the bride whom my Savior loves--and that's the most important thing to remember. He is at work in the midst of the disappointing broken people which He called together, not because any of us were deserving. Euguene Peterson has some great things to say about church being a vast collection of men and women in all stages of maturity--where we all have a lot of growing up to do. Praying God gives eyes to see His presence in the midst of His people; praying He brings you the community you long for. Blessings, friend.

Lindsey V said...

I have just gone through a season of that square peg in a round hole feeling....I pray that you will find that "connection", that "fit" soon....and from my own experience, it will probably come in ways that you least expect!

Your list, in the face of this BIG hearache, is beautiful!

Anonymous said...

Misty --

Just checking to see that you got my recent reply to your email. I've had two emails go astray (to two different people) in the last 2 weeks! You never know. And since I didn't hear from you, I thought I'd better check.

Obviously from reading the comments here, this is not a unique experience. :) Yes, I've had mine too. I'm on the other side now, and I have a story to share about that, but I won't here. Suffice it to say, I do understand. I'd also like to say: there is hope! :) I'm glad you mentioned that in your list! It doesn't always FEEL true, but it is true. Ah, I love that word, don't you?

Hope you had a wonderful Labor Day weekend.


emily wierenga said...

oh friend... i ache, and yet, i know. perhaps this why the road is so narrow? praying, for deep friendship for you, so you don't need to be busy, but can just rest and commune. love you sister. xo

suzannah {so much shouting, so much laughter} said...

oh sweet friend, my heart knows that longing, too.

there is this song lyric that has resonated with my since high school: "amongst friend but all alone." that true connection is just so HARD to find and seemingly impossible to cultivate.

but God is faithful and the friend who sticks closer than a brother.

another phone date soon? xo

Sarah said...

I hear you - church is hard for us, too, right now. I feel your trying to be busy, your wanting to look like your time is full when your heart is empty. Praying for companionship for you!

deb said...

this song from the incredible Natalie Merchant just made my day .
thank you.

I can't offer any wisdom , it is a mystery. This community thing. Peace to you , MIsty.