Wednesday, September 14, 2011

The richness of belonging

he scared my 3rd grade self, and he pointed right at me, black fingers waving me over. he said nothing, just started walking, and my heart began thumping out of my ears. i racked brain to see what i'd done; we were standing outside the cafeteria waiting on ms. heitz to take us back to our classroom. "what did i do?" i repeated several times on the verge of tears when i realized we were headed to The Principal's Office, his domain. he must have seen the near-panic in my eyes, and finally knelt down, "you didn't do anything. you were the quietest one in line, and i needed a helper i could trust."
i still don't remember what the task was, but can remember the fear of his huge authority calling me out of line like it was yesterday.

where does this kind of fear come from?

why am i still afraid?
of the police (ok, ok, my tags are expired)
of the cool moms on the playground with hair coiffed and sons in plaid

of God?

i received a summons 3 months ago for an appearance in court, a suit for a debt i knew nothing about.
i felt all the same fear standing so exposed beneath the judge's gaze. husband said i did well, but heart thudded all the same.

i always see myself as rule's exceptions: that God loves others but not me, my sins are the ones unpardonable, that i'm the one grace won't quite cover.

i pray one day i feel the weight of grace from the judge who loves, who has not only summoned, but redeemed. i pray i live today, not in fear, but in the richness of belonging.


deb colarossi said...

This? Is so me. Or was.
I don't know how I got to this other place. I'll wish it for you hard hard. I think it comes with knowing absolute unconditional love. Believing in to the core.

love to you

Rachel said...

this is just like me.

i'm trying to get past this place. this place of fear and unknowing.

God is good. <3

Brandee Shafer said...

Perhaps the key is understanding that--as a daughter of the King--you are a true princess. There is none more valuable that you, aside from He who saved your soul.

Anonymous said...

I think you need to be gentler with yourself.
You would never mother your child the way you yourself... try being easier...stop looking at yourself the way YOU see yourself....How about God? Does He get a say in who you are? Because he made you in His image... and well that makes you wonderful and beautiful...and rich.
So maybe what you need is a little less of your own opinion and a lot more of God's.

tinuviel said...

Oh, I get that! Thank you for your honesty. The other commenters write truth, but it can take a long time for God's Word to take hold of emotions. I *think* if we keep filling our minds with it (Scripture memory and meditation) the truth of His love will eventually drive that fear out, but for now the need and weakness keep driving me to Him. All's grace, as Ann V. says.

Catherine said...

Yep. Fear. I know that. You're not alone!

emily wierenga said...

oh misty it's so good to see you linked to imperfect--i've missed you! your prose is always so vulnerable and true. and something in this spoke to me of God... of the reverent fear we should have of him, and the surprise we find when we find out he's gentle. love you sister.

Cheryl said...

found you through emily's link-up. you write so beautifully. and i can so relate to this. to this fear that i don't deserve His love. but i remind myself and ask the Father to increase my faith and remember that perfect love drives out fear.
thank you for sharing your words.

lisaplus6 said...

this was perfect for me to read today... powerfully touching.... thank you for sharing.

scraps of starlight said...

"of the cool moms on the playground with hair coiffed and sons in plaid"

Had to smile and nod a along with you...
I relate to this post so much.

Thank you for sharing your heart.