waiting is hard. waiting is wanting wrapped up in the veil of self; my college pastor would ask, "are you living for the dot, or for the line?" and waiting is merely one dot in eternal perspective.
three days. i've been in labor for three days. it feels eternal, but how dare i compare my three days to his where mine kicks and life squeezes anticipatory coming, the hint, and his was death's silence behind a stony wall before hope emerged again?
these contractions stall, but the hope of expectation, of bringing forth this new life does not. my faith fumbles like a stalled labor (now that i know what that is like): i lean hard and breathe deeply during the tightening, and i stumble around and grumble at swollen aching when there is relief. there is grace in waiting, when i can see it.
i came home from walking to her house last night (the mantra: walk, walk, walk: get that baby out!) to find them all piled wide in our bed. little boys anxious and over-tired, so he tucked them in with him. blonde all sprawled and arms high as he gave in full to sleep's overtaking, and oldest snuggled deeply on his side, thumb having fallen from his lips, and daddy stretched as long as king size and his arms reaching over both those little heads. in that moment standing in doorway i was glad we were waiting. i'd have missed all that boy sleep otherwise.
all the joys we get in the waiting for littlest to arrive, counting them as blessings with ann and others in the grace community:
291. a day of celebrating mothers
292. and sharpie-drawn scribbles to say i love you
293. and the tightening: 3, then 5, then 7, then 3 minutes apart. it's all progress, remind me!
294. all the phone calls to ask if he's here yet, the love wrapping me
295. his sympathy and sweet glances, the back rubs, the ordering food for me because at this point i simply refuse to cook anymore
296. the birth of another friend's little boy--she got to hold her first on mother's day
297. because all those little boys were asleep last night and my mind wouldn't shut, i got to watch an hour of uninterrupted food network, the novelty of it!
298. knowing that each day he spends inside he gets stronger
299. my three little outside loves playing games together and kissing big belly and asking when he's going to come
300. for husband love and grace as i grouch, cry, get impatient, and in all other ways experience the end of this pregnancy.