I'm not saying I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward-to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back.
~ Philippians 3:12-14
i met with my counselor on monday, and as usual, i walked away with a further insight. i'm a perfectionist. STILL. and i had a bad parenting moment (umm, weekend) that i'm also STILL reeling from. it's just been emotional: the grief, the guilt, the worry if i'll scar my kids' lives, and that deep, dark fear of failure. i'm afraid of being a bad mom. afraid of being my mom. and so with all that heavy heart-ness and mama exhaustion, i ranted about my imperfections. to my counselor. i'm fairly sure she's aware of many of them by now, but she listened with grace and replied in kind.
she told me she wanted me to make more mistakes. especially of the parenting kind. and not only make them, but make them Out Loud so my children can see them, and see me repent, so that in all things i can point them to Christ. i hate to admit i actually laughed out loud when she said the first part, until i heard the last part. because really, the whole point is the Who, and i in all my ragamuffin self am not I Am.
it's so easy to wax about wanting him to pick up my broken pieces, but am i willing for him to break me as well?
my counselor tried to help ground me in reality (she's sooo good at this, and i'm eternally grateful. i need practical), and she said if i remember it's a marathon and not a sprint that the falls don't matter quite so much. isn't that insane? so true. if you run a 100-yard dash and fall within a couple of steps, your race is over. if you fall even a mile into a marathon, you brush off your knees, retie your laces, and start running again.
so. utterly. profound.
perfect people don't need Jesus. and if there's anything i know, it's that i need him so badly. there's no way i can even bear the weight of my own perfectionism when i am reminded of just how perfect he was. i'm attending a Love&Logic course, and the first night the speaker handed out 16 penny nails for us to carry around as a visual reminder that no one is perfect. i slipped mine into my purse with no extra thought, until now.
i want to run the race well. that's in my nature. but i don't have to run it perfectly.