Tuesday, May 4, 2010

the race

I'm not saying I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward-to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back.
~ Philippians 3:12-14
i met with my counselor on monday, and as usual, i walked away with a further insight. i'm a perfectionist. STILL. and i had a bad parenting moment (umm, weekend) that i'm also STILL reeling from. it's just been emotional: the grief, the guilt, the worry if i'll scar my kids' lives, and that deep, dark fear of failure. i'm afraid of being a bad mom. afraid of being my mom. and so with all that heavy heart-ness and mama exhaustion, i ranted about my imperfections. to my counselor. i'm fairly sure she's aware of many of them by now, but she listened with grace and replied in kind.
she told me she wanted me to make more mistakes. especially of the parenting kind. and not only make them, but make them Out Loud so my children can see them, and see me repent, so that in all things i can point them to Christ. i hate to admit i actually laughed out loud when she said the first part, until i heard the last part. because really, the whole point is the Who, and i in all my ragamuffin self am not I Am.
it's so easy to wax about wanting him to pick up my broken pieces, but am i willing for him to break me as well?
my counselor tried to help ground me in reality (she's sooo good at this, and i'm eternally grateful. i need practical), and she said if i remember it's a marathon and not a sprint that the falls don't matter quite so much. isn't that insane? so true. if you run a 100-yard dash and fall within a couple of steps, your race is over. if you fall even a mile into a marathon, you brush off your knees, retie your laces, and start running again.
so. utterly. profound.
perfect people don't need Jesus. and if there's anything i know, it's that i need him so badly. there's no way i can even bear the weight of my own perfectionism when i am reminded of just how perfect he was. i'm attending a Love&Logic course, and the first night the speaker handed out 16 penny nails for us to carry around as a visual reminder that no one is perfect. i slipped mine into my purse with no extra thought, until now.
i want to run the race well. that's in my nature. but i don't have to run it perfectly.


Brownie said...

Out loud, huh? Okay, I'll try.

Point them to Christ in all things...especially my own weakness...okay, I'll try!

misti said...

Misty! So glad you checked in and I re-found your (new) blog! I hope everything went well with the GD and you and the baby were happy and healthy. Just reading over your post right now reminded me of one of my favorite Caedmon's Call songs, "Valleys Fill First." It says when we're on top of mountains and things are splendid we don't recognize God as much as when we're in those valleys...the lows, where we are aware of our need and He surrounds us. Ah! Great song.

P.S. I love that you're an Office fan and can understand my ramblings!

rachel, kyle, and levi anderson said...

Wow! Thanks! I needed that reminder today. How refreshing is it to know that HE doesn't expect us to be perfect just that we are repentant to HIM and to others big and small in our lives! Love you and miss you!

anythingbutperfect said...

Thanks! And I needed that! :)