As you are going: Worship

i see songs of worship

in a mother's hands, unconsciously pressed on her purple-stretching skin, a responding call to the fluttering thumps below

in milk that leaks nourishing comfort

in the toddling steps of a wee one, shaky on legs but certain in love's fall-breaking

in the fart-jokes as oldest little one grows--there is a letting go, even this young--and the burst of " i do it" as 3 year old insists on independence

in the quotidian click of wedding bands as she hands him the plates for the table, the eyes catching with an old flicker

in hands that fold laundry and reach under tables during grace

in wearing wife role, which looks a lot like red toenails and the two curved bodies asleep before they intended to

~~~~~~~~~

i sing worship as i tend this home. sometimes i bake the bread, and sometimes i buy it straight on sale. i raise these three boys and grow another, and sometimes it means avery kisses my bottom because that's as high as he can reach, and sometimes it's the constant yelling to QUIET DOWN. i sweep floors and consider decorations, but we have written on our doorposts to Whom we belong and serve. i remember meg's words: just as you are going. one step at a time.


linking with emily and others for her imperfect prose

Spring hymn

i can't get over the japanese magnolias w/ their haughty purple-pink robes.
or the bradford pears in their unfruiting yet flowering privilege.
i am giddy with green (despite sniffles ensuing)
and i don't miss the big texas sky for all the climbing trees here.

we used to sing this song in college, and i find myself singing it again


Awaken The Dawn (by Delirious)

Sing to the Lord with all of your heart
Sing of the glory that's due to his name
Sing to the Lord with all of your soul
Join all of heaven and earth to proclaim

You are the Lord
The Saviour of all
God of creation we praise you
We sing the songs
That awaken the dawn
God of creation we praise you

Sing to the Lord with all of your mind
With understanding give thanks to the King
Sing to the Lord with all of your strength
Living your lives as a praise offering

You are the Lord
The Saviour of all
God of creation we praise you
We sing the songs
That awaken the dawn

God of creation we praise you

Lines

the lines on his face tell me a poem,
of the three-before-three trips to emergency:
the gentle dog who bit him
the coffee table collision
the tumbling off railroad tie;
another scar where football scramble
was prayed over, no stitches and healed anyway;
his eyes crinkle like a pleated skirt when he laughs
and i wish i'd carved them all myself.
his dimples drew me in, "hoyuelos" i said on an early date
and i trace them every night in my sleep,
kiss those parenthesis, all mine, gentle scruff scratching me.
those furrowing lines of pressure and worry
no botulism could ever straighten out
and i know he holds us in his thoughts, his
high proud forehead
all the time
and i love him for his lines

************
(241-256 of counting gifts with Ann and others on this journey)

so grateful for the love of my life.
for his patience as daddy and
ability to be jungle gym
b/cs i can't.
for his patience and grace with me
and holding my hand always
for his worry for our needs
and his strength to carry it all
for his searching heart
even when i don't understand
and his laugh that literally keeps me sane sometimes
for his work and ethic to work
even when he doesn't like his job
for his urgency in providing
for providing all these little boys
for the love we make and share
and the oasis in a difficult time we were able to have this weekend,
no getaways, just staying, and being present
and connecting in a way we haven't in a really long time
and always, always, the Grace of the Beloved
in providing me with the helpest of mates,
knowing exactly what i needed and desired.

this space has been too quiet, the last post taunts me that i haven't been back. and yet, when i think, have tried, my mind draws blankly. i've written on paper with intentions to share, but that notebook was dropped in grease (no, i'm not kidding!). so it goes.
i still mentally count my blessings, wonder if it's enough.
avery, perched on edge of office chair, swings his feet back and forth, he simply enjoys the movement of his body; i smile at his enthusiasm. shea is reminding me every day with every sentence that i can't go wrong with attempting to homeschool him next year, for he's simply too excited to learn every day. connor's joie de vivre is infectious like this spring we're enjoying.
there are grey thoughts under the surface, too: we're here again, but he's so unhappy, and life has been hard. it's hard to stand wife against despair, and all i want is to wrap him up and fix, and both my hands are tied, though heart will never follow suit.
yes, this space has been come-and-go, hit-or-miss. i don't like being sporadic, but i want to be present in life, not just in words thought out. i know there are words to share, lessons to ponder, but i also need balancing with these tasks before me, especially these tiny ones.

Lifted

i couldn't sleep, too afraid i'd oversleep. 5:00 and i rarely get along--mornings are too early, and afternoons are that so-called 'witching hour' otherwise known as "please get out of the kitchen while i'm trying to prepare dinner, and stop fussing while you're at it." :)
but that morning i met 5:00, if not eagerly, then at least expectantly.
i walked to her house, smiling: "we're neighbors" still seems surreal.
she, and i, and the others gathered at 6:00, and our purpose was to pray for our husbands, our children, to lift those we love and their needs. i'd never felt so awake.
caffeine helps you maintain.
friendship sustains.
prayer lifts.
i felt, later, as if those prayers were iridescent tentacles enveloping all those near me, binding them to me. i wished they knew and understood how blessed i was by meeting dawn--no, meeting Him with his pink-streaked creation.

Dancing gospel

i used to think the wanting was hard: the love that shone carat-colored on fingers, or the full-tight abdomen denied possible by doctor; the pottery barn home (tona's tastes were impeccable), or the desire for beige to stay beige, not mapping toddler discoveries. i still struggle with that wanting--it's all a game of mirrors, isn't it?--but i'm realizing that need is harder. and yet, it's also just the beginning.

to need is to proclaim, "i'm not enough," which begs for a Savior. saving becomes a love that shines through generations, crimson red, and the blessing of life because otherwise i'd never have survived motherhood at all. He is the eternal home which makes me feel this tension, trapped inside mud-skin and dirt-walls; He is the one writing on my own heart and mapping my struggles across redemption's journey. to want is to wait. to need is to Live grace in the already-not yet.

grace has about eaten me alive these last weeks (i don't mean that in the pesky mosquitoes of the south sense; i mean: in the same way i want to devour avery's chubby thighs and ringlets, i've been consuming grace and been completely undone in the process). moving is always hard, even when it's an adventure, and we've been on grace's hinge...waiting for paychecks, waiting for resolutions amidst hard circumstances, waiting for it to "just come together, dammit."

here. boxes are all unpacked. dinner's been managed (like mischief, even) every night. he has been home every night-oh, my love!- and kids have begun to call this home. my friends have danced the gospel fully for my family since we've arrived. mercy-notes wafting in casseroles delivered, in diapers purchased, and laughs-in-person. He weaves in and through us, and the needing has never been stronger. i have needed this love with skin on, this reliance on grace and others. my vision is righted, and i can't help but sing the lovely words:

O to grace how great a debtor
daily I'm constrained to be!
Let thy goodness, like a fetter,
bind my wandering heart to thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
prone to leave the God I love;
here's my heart, O take and seal it,
seal it for thy courts above.

today i join with Ann and the community again for the first time in a long time.


221. pantry stocked with staples upon our arrival
221. pot pie
222. poppy seed chicken
223. chicken chili
224. pizza
225. vegetable soup
226. potato soup
227. all these meals were delivered by loved ones to help our transition into our new home while we unpacked and had no kitchen, also for when he was away for training for a week. i don't think any of these ladies realized we had no money to even buy groceries, so to have these meals provided and hot and ready for us was beyond a blessing.
228. borrowed washing machines and the hours-long fellowship that followed. laundering has never been so fun or worthwhile, and i might be sad when we get our own again (!)
229. she is right.around.the.corner!!!
230. and our children will grow up for a while together. we're very excited to share this journey step by step
231. once a month prayer group
232. his job is going well so far, ropes being learned
233. my "job" seems easier than it has in a long while.
234. our huge backyard
235. and the balmy days we enjoyed last week to spend in it!
236. sleep routines returned to and an easy transition for the oldest two to sleep in their own room now
237. for the $40 here and the kroger gift card there.... they've gotten us through
238. for the humility to accept that he knows exactly where we are, and has provided JUST ENOUGH
239. that He is always enough
240. and His goodness binds my heart back to Him

Here, and there

has your heart ever been in two places at once?
mine has, and is.
sorry for the continued quiet. i hope to be back soon, but we have had an interesting first week here in memphis, both with the expected bumps and bruises of unpacking and settling-in, as well as a pretty severe gallbladder attack for this tired mama.
resting up, or pretending to while i continue to get things calm here.

can't wait to be back and visiting you all and writing her to calm my heart/brain here as well!