Again

22
how many days since i've even typed in that address, the one that declares i'm a fragile urn.
i've felt barren of words and empty at heart-soul in this place--which is not to say i've been unhappy or shut up, just that i was living life there instead of here and the longer i played away the larger the white empty space here filled up, began to feel impenetrable.

31
the years i turned with birthday just passed, an official forray into third decade, and i didn't feel older at first despite the silver threads that glitter my crown. but somehow, in just 2 weeks, i feel old and shy. i got to spend my birthday with my two womb-mates, beloved sisters, and that alone was magic.

3
owen's days can be counted in months now, not weeks, and i know i will cry when it's years instead of months, for he is truly last, husband's appointment completed, and this one my baby, so big-small and squishy-round, and mama-loved.

~~~~~~~
we are planning a shower for another friend expecting first, so she came over to discuss details, but with our babes born days apart, her first, mine fourth, we talked of sizes and sleep schedules and motherhood and callings. she aches to write and i felt a pang of jealousy. i told her i'd never known a calling like motherhood (which is not to say i always knew i wanted to be a mom!), and i wondered if she were a bit jealous of that as well. all that talk of calling and passion stirred me. i drove and saw green leafy summer again. i played song in the car and cried at lyrics. i read a blog post that kindles art out of me, and i begin to hope that words might be here again. it's not so much that i have to write or else--that is how she feels--but i realize i must create and be inside of beauty. i grew four boys beyond compare. i knit and bake for fun because i love to give to others something my hands formed. i cry at art and song and read words from others and sometimes spill out here, too.
and if i'm presumptuous enough to ask if you've missed me, know that i've missed you, too, desperately.
~~~~~~~
with another year older and baby growing big, and boo-boos to kiss and homeschool to start, i can't promise that i'll be incredibly regular, but i want to write again. patience as i find my groove again?

this space has been too quiet, the last post taunts me that i haven't been back. and yet, when i think, have tried, my mind draws blankly. i've written on paper with intentions to share, but that notebook was dropped in grease (no, i'm not kidding!). so it goes.
i still mentally count my blessings, wonder if it's enough.
avery, perched on edge of office chair, swings his feet back and forth, he simply enjoys the movement of his body; i smile at his enthusiasm. shea is reminding me every day with every sentence that i can't go wrong with attempting to homeschool him next year, for he's simply too excited to learn every day. connor's joie de vivre is infectious like this spring we're enjoying.
there are grey thoughts under the surface, too: we're here again, but he's so unhappy, and life has been hard. it's hard to stand wife against despair, and all i want is to wrap him up and fix, and both my hands are tied, though heart will never follow suit.
yes, this space has been come-and-go, hit-or-miss. i don't like being sporadic, but i want to be present in life, not just in words thought out. i know there are words to share, lessons to ponder, but i also need balancing with these tasks before me, especially these tiny ones.

Here, and there

has your heart ever been in two places at once?
mine has, and is.
sorry for the continued quiet. i hope to be back soon, but we have had an interesting first week here in memphis, both with the expected bumps and bruises of unpacking and settling-in, as well as a pretty severe gallbladder attack for this tired mama.
resting up, or pretending to while i continue to get things calm here.

can't wait to be back and visiting you all and writing her to calm my heart/brain here as well!

Thanks

i have received so many congratulations and well-wishes through my blog and email this week, and i'm having some computer snafus, so have not been able to properly thank anyone, but i've read and appreciated all the happy thoughts sent our way! i hope to be back here regularly again towards the end of this week or early next!

30

thank you, friends, for all the encouragement you sent me this past week. i was so tired and so drained from the mental challenges of journeying towards reconciliation with my mom and being caught up in family dynamics. but then i remember A) no family is perfect and B) even "normal" families have these kinds of issues from time to time.

this week i needed a break from my computer, although it was forced on me, as my pc isn't working! but i've taken the time to just dwell and be in the moment, and only good things ever come of that.

***
so tomorrow i turn thirty (or "thurdy" as my fellow southerners say), and i'm happy. i have an amazing husband and 3 gorgeous little boys, and i will be with my sister who loves me more than life. i am blessed.

A note...

to explain the quiet around here.
we've had a week-long guest and i'll be traveling this entire week myself.

i have much to share (for sharing is my chewing, my processing and figuring out what my heart says about it all), but for now, may i please ask for prayers: safe travel and family well-missed, as well as an important meeting where i both act out some forgiveness as well as keep emotionally safe. your thoughts are appreciated, and i'll be back next week with updates and written-hashings.
thanks for patience.

i have a tan

and i mean that in the most unspiritual way possible! but it's true, this pasty white girl has got more freckles than evah, and a nice spring tan to go with them. i had a horrible, emotional Parenting Fiasco this weekend and i'm not sure this is the space to share that, but some of the repercussions have been kind of incredible. we were already beginning to limit the boys' TV time, and that's gone well. now it can be an intentional tool to give me a break at the times i need it most, instead of it being background noise that the kids get bored of right when i need them to be still! i also quit Facebook. it was so much fun, and a great way to connect with friends, but i was logging on every single time i opened my computer. i did the math last week and in one day i sat at my computer as much as a person who works a 9-5, and i stay at home. what am i showing my kids? how am i working on losing weight, cleaning house, changing diapers, cooking from scratch if i spend so much energy online? it was dragging me down. besides, the Fiasco needed to be addressed. in an ongoing kind of way. so i'm still off Facebook. and spending time outside. i've exercised, i've played with the boys. and i've gotten a nice tan. lovely!

quick to love, repost

this was another excellent (and, as always, timely) post over at (in)courage for me to read today. i was most struck by this passage:
what if we jumped into one another's lives and showed the kind of broad-stroked love that jesus did?

good question.

sorry i haven't had a lot of my own to say lately, but i've been reading and getting refreshed by others' words, so perhaps this is a season of pouring-in instead of pouring-out?